Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
