I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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