I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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