my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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