do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
