my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
