i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
