My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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