Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
its liver damage thursday
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