Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
