So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
