Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
