I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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