I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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