So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
