i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
