she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
