I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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