literally had 100 drinks last night.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
