I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
