So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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