fuck your aforementioned shoe
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
