I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
