im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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