He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
