she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
