I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
