when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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