I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
