My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
