Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
