You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
