I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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