I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
