I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
