I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
