everyone is single if you try hard enough
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
