i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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