We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
