It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
