Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
