I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
