All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
tell me about the fingering
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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