i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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