i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
