This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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