Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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