no, he came in my armpit
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
