Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
