the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
